Camera-hog

Yeah, I hog the lens. Here's the proof. My home-made portfolio so far.

Fun? Yes. Good? No.

Well today has been fun. I've been on Facebook having a jokey argument with an old mate about football. I've chatted to my sister over in England who I absolutely LOVE to bits! Bestest sister EVER! I've practiced guitar until my fingers turned blue!

There's been one HUGE downside.

I've eaten a ton. Purging isn't working, and anyway, the last time I did that I puked blood and got an almost unbearable pain in my stomach.

I hope everyone else has had a better day!

I'm probably purchasing a little girl's CD. I did a singing competition ages ago, and she won her category. She's an amazing young girl, and she's entered BGT! She got through the auditions and is performing again soon in Manchester. Bless her heart eh? But yeah, I am definitely NOT going to exercise with her CD playing in the background! It'd feel wrong, a sweet little innocent autistic girl's CD playing in the background, whilst I'm serving Satan. Am I being stupid?

Meg x

Inconveniences

Writing this blog is becoming increasingly difficult! Mum keeps coming in and out of  the study, and I lose my train of though when I'm trying to switch to the facebook tab in a mad panic! Like just then, I was on facebook for a good 5mins because mum walked in. So I now draft my blog by hand in a jotter (nobody would think of looking in there, they think its my art and they know I'm self consious about that!) and when I have a free moment I type it up. So my blogs could be a day or so old before you guys get to read them. Sorry!

Meg x

Relating to Music

"I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give."

For those of you who don't know, this is a line from a song by a singer called Enrique Iglesias. He's sexy as hell, but sorry girls, he's married! But anyways, this song is called 'Do You Know' or 'Dilemo' in Spanish. Also know as 'The Ping Pong Song' :) And as I sit here sipping my Diet Coke, I'm finding myself singing this one line over and over again. And each time I do, I realise how much I can relate to it. If you listen to the song, it's totally relationship driven, and even though I've had my heart broken lately, that isn't what this line means to me. It's the one part of the song you can single out and give your own personal meaning.

I'm at the edge of my sanity and I don't know what else to give to Ana.

Am I going totally mad right now? Or for once are my insane ramblings holding meaning for people other than myself?

Meg x

Sonia

I don't know if that's a term ever used. But it's my name for Insomnia. Like Ana or Mia. Sonia is constantly keeping me awake. And now I think she's effecting my overall health. I've been getting the most awful pain in my eyes, and I know for sure my metabolism has slowed by 15%, easily. Anyone know any Insomniac support sites like PT? It'd be a great help. I remember reading a blog or forum post on PT about someone thinking about making one...be amazing if they do. There are so many girls I talk to who have the stress of an ED looming over them, and they have to deal with Sonia too. Sonia's been around for longer than the ED girls (Ana & Mia). They've been around since the 4th of December, the day of my first purge. Sonia's been around longer than that, she's been around for years now. How long have you been dealing with her?

Once again, my restrictions went downhill from the moment I woke up. If I was in recovery, I'd be doing so well right now. Sadly though, I'm not. I'm still overweight, and I've never experienced being underweight.

Meg x

Ana & Mia

I woke up on Boxing Day to Ana and Mia yelling at me to do situps. As usual I followed their orders and before I knew it I was lying on the floor exhausted. I'm sick of a figment of my imagination controlling me. They were yelling at me for eating so much on Xmas Day (I ate about a fifth of what I normally would at this time of year) and also for the alcohol (First Cape White Sparkling and orange juice, and also some White Zinfandal). Mia was telling me whilst it was too late to get it all out of my body, she could manage to get some of it out. Ana was telling me there was no way I could eat today, I had to make up for the binge and fast. One thing lead to another, and to anyone else it would have looked like I was talking to myself in my room while I was getting ready for the long day ahead. But to me? I was arguing with a couple of bitches in my room. I went in a huff with them and ran downstairs, shovelling as much high-calorie crap as I could into my mouth to spite them. Mia insisted on a purge afterwards, but for once I ignored her. I went on my DSi and went on PT and ignored the voices in my head. I didn't say anything to them, because my father was beside me. Ana and Mia are driving me crazy. Help!

well...this is who I am

I know there will be haters who disagree with my lifestyle...tough luck. I'm a girl who hates her weight, hates her body. Nothing will change that. No matter how many sweet guys who are totally hot look at pictures of me and are left speechless, I'll always be me, which means I'll always hate my body. So what do I do? Well, I restrict, I binge, I purge...I know. Gross. Wrong. Unhealthy. But I can't escape Ana and Mia. They don't leave you alone when you ask. They stick there, and they slag you off constantly. Which is why WikiPedia annoys me by saying we 'affectionately' refer to Ana and Mia as real girls. There's no affection whatsoever for most girls/guys. There's a significant amount of hatred though. Ana and Mia yell at us for eating anything over a certain amount of calories. Nobody that hasn't been through it could understand that! What gives the authors of Wiki the right to comment on communities they don't even know. Well? It's downright unfair! People call us selfish, but we aren't! We're eager to please. Eager to please Ana and Mia. Please tell me I'm not alone in this! Please!?

Meg x